| "Most of this garbage I write that these people seem to like is about you and how I let you infect my life...If I stay around, I'm bound to break resistance." - Atmosphere
Old habits die hard.
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| "now you see me.
now you don't.
now you say you love me.
pretty soon you won't."
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| I won. I cracked. Again. I lose. The end.
"The remains of my wasted youth, this wasted time on you has left me shaking in waiting for something more."
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| I used to know the name of every person I'd kissed...
Now I made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it.
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| You have this bad habit of making me question everything about myself. Your opinion of me/my actions is the reason I feel restless and unhappy with myself.
I feel like you don't have enough respect for me to explain yourself or apologize for anything. I can tell that you hate arguing with me but you really won't ever listen to me. You don't have enough respect for me that when you break up with me over text, you spend the entire time telling me what I did wrong and disregard my problems with you. Actually, you seem to ignore me every time I try to tell you you're doing something I don't like or appreciate or think is wrong and when I get mad 'cause you don't listen to me, you get mad at me for being mad at you. Is this because of my age? 'Cause in all honesty it makes me more mature than you if I can listen to and accept and apologize for and try to fix my faults instead of completely disregarding your opinion. Yours matters to me. I don't just date anyone and even though you seem to like to pretend that we never dated, since you asked me out and called me your girlfriend to me at least, I consider us dating and therefore you are my ex. And as my ex if you can't understand why you talking about my best friend bothers me, then you're not worth my breath. And if you think I shouldn't care because I am your ex and I should not have feelings for you anymore, then just tell me that. Tell me what you're thinking 'cause I'm confused and you keep saying/assuming that I'm supposed to get/know things that I don't fucking get/know. And I'm not stupid and regardless of what you seem to think I can take shit seriously and in fact, I can overanalyze things.
a) Why would you ask me why I care?
I seem to recall a certain AIM conversation where I told you exactly why I cared and you said you would stop except when I remind you of this you just say this entire thing is stupid. The Jessica thing is not really what I care about...when I say if you like someone, I'll be happy and support you I really mean it. If you honestly like her, go for it. But if you tell me you're going to do something and you can't even own up to your word for something as small as this it shows me how little respect you have for me. Is this karma for when we were dating and I would do things that bothered you? However my bad actions don't justify your bad actions and I was sorry and I realized what I did wrong and I tried to stop doing things that bothered you so we could be good friends. I'm not trying to get back together with you at all. It just bothers me when you talk about Jessica because I have some insecurities regarding my relationships with my exes and her. If you really need an example, I'll tell you but we started talking because I would complain to you about him and how he talked about her so if you really need a reminder than that shows me how much whatever we talked about meant to you.
b) If I can forgive you for what you did, how come you can't forgive me? Seriously, I don't believe that anything I did yesterday could justify what you did to me. I don't understand how you can think that Matt Ramalho thing was super funny and it's stupid that I could get so worked up over it but it was seriously super embarrassing and I just don't understand why you had to put me in that situation. I don't know what I did to deserve it. And if I ever made you feel that fucking stupid, I apologize but really, if you say the gay thing didn't really matter to you than I have no fucking clue what I did to you to deserve that. And I don't know why I keep forgiving you because for some reason you seem to think that being a dick to me is okay now. You can't ever own up to or apologize for anything I think you did wrong or even take a second to contemplate that something you did to me could be wrong. I don't understand why I don't deserve enough respect from you that you can't even think about what I tell you. At least try to refute it.
c) What's up with this if you can't deal with it, don't dish it shit? 'Cause if you can give me moral lessons on things I do wrong I don't understand why you don't deserve the same thing. Humans are not perfect, you should know that and you can say you do but can you seriously lower your fucking standards for me at least. I don't understand what I do that's so fucking irritating to you and you can't even tell me, you just get pissed at me. And if you were seriously asking me why I was mad and getting pissed 'cause I wouldn't answer you I think that's dumb. You already seem to know the fucking answer and if you don't understand why that would bother me, I guess our conversation a couple of days ago was probably completely ignored. Or you were too fucked up to remember anything. Neither would really be a surprise.
I just hate how I seriously feel like this relationship lacks some respect and if I did something to deserve this I'd like to know what.
Seriously, also, if the Jessica thing is so stupid and small then I'd just like to know why you do it all the time. Just a question. And I'll probably ask you on AIM if you even talk to me even though I fucking apologized to you for the shit I did but for some reason you can't fucking just say you're sorry. I don't know why it's so hard for you to say that to me. Does me being 3 years your junior automatically make my opinion moot? 'Cause seriously we can take any intelligence test, I'd like to see how much smarter you are than me, not that I don't think you're smarter than me, but I don't think there's a big enough gap that my opinion should be labeled as automatically inferior to yours.
I'll probably send this link to you after I ask you on AIM and I don't get a response.
Not that I expect you to read this, I don't think you seem to think I even deserve that much time. |
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